Here's Why You Keep Attracting Unavailable Men
If you keep attracting unavailable men…men who are emotionally unavailable, long distance or hung up on another woman - first of all, you’re not alone. So many women share this same experience and pattern.
And I know how stressful this can be, since in the past this was me….and not just once, but over and over again.
I kept finding myself in the most unfulfilling situations defined by loneliness and longing…
Usually my relationships started off with feeling blown away by love, understanding, passion…then soon enough, I realised something was missing. That something was the man’s ability to be available for me - emotionally, spiritually, physically.
This kept happening until the day I found out what HAD to happen to change this pattern - FOREVER.
You see, unavailable men come in many forms, but the way we experience them is the same:
Emotionally unavailable men. This is the type of man who wont understand you, when you’re expressing how you feel. Perhaps they belittle you, perhaps they call you dramatic. Perhaps they tell you what you feel is “wrong”. If you pay attention, you’ll see that it’s not just about you - they don't understand the way they feel themselves. They have an urge to shut down any emotion they perceive as “disturbing”. That’s why they’re likely to dismiss you when you try to bring up anything that has to do with your emotional life. This creates a feeling inside you, that there’s more there…that if you just somehow had the key, something beautiful would be available to you. But you don’t find the key. The more you search, the less you find it. It leaves you questioning yourself, your reality and the relationship.
Long distance men. Perhaps you think this is different, since a lot of the time people engaging in a long distance relationship are making themselves vulnerable. They are sharing emotions, especially about the longing. But beware - if it’s just wonderful words of love & praise, and no action to actually meet, get closer, find a way to SPEND TIME in real life - this is just another form of unavailable love. Sometimes it is just a dream, a way for a man to obtain and keep the image of you as the “unattainable Goddess” - and as soon as you really ARE available with all what it means to be in a REAL relationship in the same physical space - the glow fades. SO -unless you have a clear plan with dates, with commitment, where the man is taking the lead in figuring out when & how you’ll finally be together - this is just another form of unavailable love.
Men who are already with another woman. This could look like already in a relationship, hung up on an ex, in love with someone secretly. It could also look like being in the middle of divorce, and unable to finish it up and move on. It could look like being very close friends with a woman with whom they share MORE emotional intimacy than what they do with you. If you’re with a man like this, this is extremely destructive for you confidence and trust. You end up always feeling unworthy (confirming a limiting belief from the past) and being the “second woman”. Someone bound to take crumbs, someone who’s coming last. This is the shittiest form of them all, since it will rob you of your sanity.
OK. So now you wonder why this keeps happening to you...why are you attracting these unavailable men, when you know that you want a real relationship?
The biggest problem here is that you believe that there’s so much love here, that it’s worth waiting for.
You feel all this love for him, and you’re living in the hope that he feels the same and you keep waiting for CHANGE.
In some ways this is very romantic. This is the kind of love many novels describe, the unavailable toxic hero, and the naive beautiful soft girl: Jane Eyre, Rebecca, 50 shades of Gray…
And yes…I know your love IS strong, I know you love him a lot, and he likely loves you too in his own way.
BUT - if you really WANT to break the pattern you’ll have to admit one thing:
These good feelings and qualities are so strong that you ignore the fact that he is unavailable….
And this my friends…is the FIRST lesson.
Because the truth is, the same pattern will keep repeating until we get the message, and CHOOSE differently.
Yes. YOU have to start with YOU, and choose differently in order for the pattern to repeat.
So take a look right now, at what you SAY you want. Do you want to live in pain? Longing? Loneliness? If you’re honest, this is at the core of what you’re getting from an unavailable man.
OR do you say that you want companionship, feeling safe, feeling heard, feeling valued & loved? Consistently?
If what you want is feeling safe, feeling heard and in a relationship where your feelings are cherished, then you have to start with choosing exactly this.
HOW? By choosing YOU. Don’t stay around someone that makes you feel less than. Don’t stay around a man who’s “not sure”. Don’t stay around a man who’s not cherishing your emotions and makes you feel small.
It’s as simple - and as complicated - as that….<3
When you start to choose yourself - the feminine woman you are, loving your feelings aka your feminine energy - the men that come into your life will be different.
The Second Lesson is about HEALING the past.
Often enough the reason we continue to engage with that unavailable man is that the feelings reflects the relationship we had with our caregivers growing up.
Example:
If your dad abandoned you when you were little or if he was emotionally unavailable or if he was more interested in one of your siblings than you - then chances are big that you will look for a man where you can repeat this pattern.
We do it because we believe that this is what love should feel like.
I know it sounds weird that we’re maybe believing that love should feel like being abandoned or being neglected, or being second in someone else's life. It’s like we think we can rewrite our past if we can just make this one man who is now unavailable to come and be with us.
So we choose the “bad man” instead of those who COULD love us, deeply. When we meet GOOD men, we say things like “there is no chemistry”, “all these men are so boring”, “I will never find someone as good as X”.
This is where I want you to pay close attention. When you hear that voice inside - that's your clue. This is a voice, a belief and a pattern from the past.
Which leads to the THIRD LESSON:
When you choose unavailable men, this is often a reflection of you. There is a part inside of you, that is also unavailable! This part is such a strong identity, often unconsciously that it WANTS a man to mirror this.
So how do you know if you have this part inside?
You start by asking yourself, can I love this part? Say out loud: “I love you, part of me that is unavailable”
Does it feel weird to say that? Do you notice tension, resistance? Does it feel like a lie or impossible?
That is another clue. You have to be ready to accept and love that part of you, to make it available. As long as you don’t believe that the whole you, all of you, flaws and everything is lovable - then you wont be open to receive love.
NOW - the absolutely best way of dealing with this and rewrite your story and change the way you experience love is to do something different and become Confidently Feminine within YOURSELF:
Learning to RECEIVE love and be confident that you WILL receive love.
This includes saying NO to the things that you don't want in your life, and instead saying yes to the things that you DO want in your life!
This includes saying NO to this man if he can’t give you the relationship you want.
(In my Love Transformation program I’ll teach you exactly how to do this so that it doesn’t feel so scary and in a way that will inspire him to step up and claim you - IF he’s at all able. A way that makes him realise he’ll LOSE you if he doesn’t step up)
You have to relearn what real love looks like.
You’ll have to learn that real love is the type of love that comes from genuine care and a willingness to understand you.
A love that is reciprocated.
What I wish for you instead is a man who's honest, generous and open.
Someone who's got a purpose in this world and who's wanting a woman by his side to help him live his purpose so that he can provide for you and protect you.
Someone who's seeking partnership & who’s seeking security over the thrill.
Someone who is trustable & safe.
To find these men, you will have to be open to receive.
You will have to open yourself up to receive the good stuff from a man and that's where your feminine energy comes in, because feminine energy is the still, open, vulnerable energy of receiving.
You can't receive anything from a man if you're all up in your head thinking, doing, talking, taking action all the time.’
That's all masculine energy and this type of energy is just going out from you.
It’s a giving energy. it's transmitting out from you and going towards him instead of vice versa.
And the stronger this energy is from you, the less he will feel inspired to give to you and the less he will be able to give to you because your masculine energy is stronger than his.
So in order to start rewriting your story and start receiving a good man and change the pattern of unavailable men, you have to open yourself up to receive from someone who is actually a masculine energy giver.
You stop saying yes to someone who’s not available.
No matter how charming he is or how gorgeous he is or how kind he is.
No matter how much he promises you that he loves you and that he will commit to you one day - you say no to what you don’t want, and you open yourself up to new men.
And if a new unavailable man shows up on your radar - you just decide that you won't even go there.
You won't even have a conversation for just one minute with a new man who’s unavailable in any sense.
As soon as you see that he's unavailable in one form of another- you just say no.
That is setting a clear boundary and when you start doing that the universe will send you a new type of man.
And this way when you start saying no to the things that you actually don't want like not engaging in conversation with men who are unavailable and instead you set a boundary for yourself, you’ll slowly become Confidently Feminine and able to receive real, true love & romance.
You’ll stop the painful cycles for good and go into your Confidently Feminine era where you learn how to step into your feminine energy, feel your way through to what actually feels good.
This way you learn to detach and rewire your whole nervous system & become the woman who can have any man she likes.