How to Overcome Fear of Intimacy
Today I want to share a brilliant question from one of my clients.
“I have realized that one of the reasons why I have difficulties connecting with a man and really get intimate with him, is because I feel afraid of intimacy. I think its because I am afraid of intimacy with myself. How do I overcome it? “
My answer:
Hi Lovely, this is a brilliant question!
You´re definitely on to something here - it IS difficult to be intimate with another, if we are not intimate with ourselves….at least if we view intimacy as something somewhat broader than just something that has to do with sex or body.
So first let me ask you - what is intimacy to you? What do you mean by “being intimate with yourself?”
Let´s see if your definition relates to mine…
My take on intimacy is very broad. It includes closeness, it includes gentleness, feelings, emotions, body, mind, spirit, honesty and more!
Intimacy rests in a certain trust and willingness to be True.
To be as true as possible to yourself - about what is going on, your preferences, your emotions….
To create this kind of intimacy often means peeling off many many layers of self-protection. Layers we don´t yet know of. And there is no destination - just a self-discovery that continuous as we walk our path.
This means getting to know ourselves very well and see ourselves through the lens of ACCEPTANCE.
It will include total acceptance of me, my body, my feelings, my thoughts, my wants, my strengths and weaknesses - even the parts I don´t particularly like.
To be intimate with ourselves is to allow whatever comes up to be there - even when it scares us.
It’s about letting go of judgement and invite compassion in.
It’s about loving the “critical voice” - the voice inside us which is telling us what we can and cannot do, and how we should or shouldn’t be.
It’s about allowing ourselves to feel the emotions which arrives inside, and allowing also the not so good feeling ones. It’s about RECOGNISING what it is we feel, without trying to get out of it, talk ourselves out of it or judge it as good or bad.
Often we don’t want to be intimate with our emotions. And especially not our fear, anger or any of the more powerful, not so good feeling feelings.
We want to quickly get out of the scary thoughts and the tension in our bodies - so we look for ways to get us out. Problem is - trying to find a solution by thinking about it throws us straight back into masculine energy - and there, our mind starts to work against us.
In this way, we shut down and numb ourselves. And when we shut down, we cannot access any of the feelings we actually have swimming inside us.
We cannot be intimate with ourselves or create emotional intimacy with ourselves when we are shut down.
And we can definitely not create true intimacy with a man, unless we can be intimate with ourselves first.
Being intimate with ourselves is about allowing our feminine energy.
It’s about self discovery - to see the difference between our thoughts and feelings and recognizing how our thoughts create our feelings.
Here’s a little exercise you may try for yourself:
Close your eyes and say out loud “Tension. Tension. Stress.”
Pay attention to what pictures may come to mind, and your body´s reactions. What happens?
⁃ if nothing happens, say out loud “Lemon” and think about taking a bite of juicy lemon…what happens…?
Notice how your mind and the words you use, create a response in your body.
Now let go of these pictures and words.
Instead close your eyes again, and say out loud: “Kindness. Peaceful. Kindness. Peaceful.”
Breath deeply and repeat those words. Really breath in the words of Kindness. Really feel what Kindness is.
Notice what happens.
Did you notice any difference in the reactions in your body?
Similar things happens all the time in our life without us even noticing.
Everything that happens, is a potential “trigger” - which we can either ignore and push away, or catch and track in our bodies.
When you catch yourself on something happening in your body, just anything…that’s your clue to that there is an opportunity to become more intimate with yourself.
So look for what is happening in your body. When you say you want to be more intimate with yourself….what happens in you?
How does your body react when you say “I have to overcome fear of intimacy with myself?”
Notice what sensations come up. Go through your body slowly.
Can you find sensations there and relate these sensations with an emotion?
Can you stay with these sensations and emotions, or are you immediately running up in your mind and head again?
See if you can stay with the sensation ( or emotion) - and just soften. Breath deeply, softly all the way down to your pelvis.
Allow the sensation to run through you. Accepting it for what it is.
And from this place of acceptance - you may want to work with ways of adding more compassion and more self love to your overall experience.
There are so many tools and ways for this to happen - and as we are all different, there is no exact recipe which will work for everyone.
What I do know though - is that feminine energy is a gateway to more intimacy.
And intimacy in it´s turn is the Gateway to PASSION!
True passion is built on intimacy.
If you are ready to explore how you can be more intimate…with yourself or in your life…I would love to accompany you on your journey!
I offer all new clients a completely Free, 1:1 discovery call to find out how we may work together.
Just click the button below to book you free zoom session with me <3
Love,
Eva