What To Do When He Is Ghosting!
Ghosting. The very word feels just scary…it happens all too often these days. And I have to admit, that if we also include just disappearing from an online chat…I may have been guilty of doing it myself.
Sometimes I wonder if all this new technology we have, where we can follow each other on social media, or be in constant contact via texting is making us act like the REAL us are just not real.
Because ghosting is very similar to deleting one of your “friends” on facebook. Or blocking someone in your text message service. You just let the person disappear as if he or she never existed.
And if you are in a dating situation where you do a lot of online talking, perhaps not ever see the person in real life, then the boundaries between what is real and what is just an online experience are blurry.
When do you know if you have an obligation to answer someone or not?
However, to ghost in real life, with someone you actually have been seeing, for real, perhaps during many months, where you have been talking about a “relationship”, is however different. This can be very, very scary, and bring up childhood trauma…and it can be a trauma itself.
Before I met my husband, I experienced ghosting several times. In a way I believe that what was happening was a reflection back to me that there was something inside me that needed to heal. Often, if we experience the same situation repeatedly, there is an issue there which we should take a deeper look at.
In these scenarios, it often boils down to fear about something, and this fear creates a vibe which will draw in the very thing we are afraid of! Because where attention goes, energy flows...
But why do people ghost? The main reason is FEAR. Fear of commitment. Fear of speaking the truth. Fear of the unknown. Fear of making another sad. Fear of not being able to handle another’s rage, fury or other intense emotions. Fear of another’s own intense feelings.
But even when knowing that fear is often behind the curtains of ghosting, a situation where a man has ghosted is everything but pleasant. It can take us deep into despair and kick in all our defences, or it can make us feel not good enough and completely lose our confidence.
So if you are in this situation, or if it happened to you, or someone you know, here are some things you can do to quickly get back on track.
At the same time it will give room for the absolute best way of having a chance of having him back, IF you would want that.
Do not reach out to him or contact him
This is really crucial and perhaps the most difficult part of it all. When he ghosts, you want to know WHY. You want so badly to know WHY this is happening. And you want to know what he feels, what is going on, why he is doing this and so on.
Do NOT even bother going there. As stated before, fear is most often behind the behaviour. And he will never admit it, even if he understands it. If you get hold of him, the only thing that will happen is that he will hurt you, in one way or another.
You do not necessarily have to block him, if you would be willing to accept an excuse from him or want to have a heart-to-heart talk, BUT you need to let go of any urge you have of contacting him.
And the best way of getting rid of the urge is…
2. Feel all your feelings FIRST and acknowledge them
The best way out of feeling blue is to feel the emotions, and really go into them. Find out all about them, what they look like, their colours, textures and so on.
click here to get my “Dealing with intense emotions meditation”, which will help you really track down ALL your feelings and help you let go!
The truth is that the very reason to WHY you want to call him, see him, accidentally run into him or talk to his friends, is because you do not want to feel what you feel.
Because what you feel is very discomforting! Often it’s a mixture of confusion, sadness, rage, frustration and at the bottom of it all: this big fear of not being enough.
Once you allow yourself to dig into all of it, even the most scary feelings, and look them straight in the eye, you will find that they are not so scary after all. What they want is YOUR love and attention. YOUR gentle caring.
And when you tend to these part of yourself, when you dare to be brave enough to face your terror, THEN you will see that this is the pathway to peace inside.
You may have to return again and again to facing your reality, and be gentle with yourself.
And while you do that, the best way of keeping on the right track is to...
3. Keep yourself busy
I do not mean busy as a distraction from the stress you are feeling, but doing things that you normally would enjoy will help you to get back on track faster.
DO NOT allow yourself to lay down on the sofa all day and cry, even if letting your emotions run through you is crucial.
There is of course a time for crying on the sofa and you should certainly allow yourself this time. But if you have followed step #2, you will soon see that the need for crying out loud all day will be less and less potent.
So really think about what you enjoy doing, that has nothing to do with a guy. Write a list with these things and start ticking them off. Make it kind of like a bucket list, and let EVERYTHING go on there, from tiny to HUGE.
And please include something that’s creative. Once you have slowed down your stress a bit, creative activities work like balm on a wound.
If you believe you are not creative - I can tell you that is WRONG. All women are creative! It’s in our bones, our heart and body. We would not be able to create babies and give birth if this was not hard wired within us.
BUT since we dissociate from our bodies, and go to live purely in our logic, our brain and masculine energy, this innate creativity is often living a very starving life. What it needs though, is only a little spark from you, to ignite.
If you have difficulties knowing what you would like, in terms of creative activities, please download my FREE “Tap into your creativity” here.
Then go create and FEEL how the creativity process takes you into a different dimension. Feel how it releases the unique power you have within. And FEEL that you are enough and whatever happens, YOU will be ok.
4. What to say if he comes back or contacts YOU
This will happen. If you follow my first three steps, he WILL contact you again, sooner or later. Not necessarily to get back together, but out of his own curiosity. SOmetimes after a few days or weeks. Sometimes after many months, even years.
And what you DO when he comes back to check in, is on you…. How does it feel? Good? Sad? Lonely? Whatever comes up, pour your love on it. And let it be your guide.
How does he make you feel? How does his actions feel to you?
This is what you will tell him, if he asks you to get back again. You tell him your truth… but not by talking about him…you tell him using heartfelt communication lines, and warm and lovely feminine energy.