More On How To Set Boundaries
THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE WITH SETTING BOUNDARIES ARE THE RESPONSES WE FEAR GETTING FROM OTHER PEOPLE.
And yes - this IS a big challenge. Because a lot of people will not like it when you start setting boundaries and saying NO. A man can get angry. He will complain, especially if you been going along with things in the past.
The responses you get can be so scary, so you are not willing to follow thru with your boundary at all!
If you read my two previous posts, on Trust and framework boundaries, you know that to have strong, empowered boundaries is something that develops over time.
That is why, when you start developing your internal FEEL and INTUITIVE Boundaries you will need some sort of framework for yourself - so that you can relax into your feminine energy, your feelings.
The important note here though, is that these rules, the FRAMEWORK boundaries, are not meant to be rigid.
They are ONLY meant to make you aware of what is going on, so that you instead can FEEL your way into and out of a situation.
Rules are masculine energy. Let your masculine energy set the rules as a framework for your feminine energy to relax into, until you have developed your senses enough to know what your boundaries really are. Use these framework boundaries as a way of living true to yourself and let the inner boundaries develop organically, processwise over your life.
So in order to get started, with your Framework boundaries, you can use this step by step method:
Notice when you start feeling regret over something OR
If your inner voice is somehow running your down, and telling you “you shouldn’t have…”, “Why did I….”, *”I wish I had said no…” OR
notice if you have a creeping feeling of discomfort inside. Maybe you were feeling good the moment before, but now you suddenly feel anxoius...
All these are indicators that something is off, and it may well be that a boundary is not yet in place.
Now, listen to those voices and feelings and locate them in your body:
Close your eyes and breath deeply.
Locate any feeling of tension or discomfort in your body. Ask yourself: what is happening in me right now?
Ask yourself, what made me agree to/do/accept/say yes/follow something that now makes me worried, regretful, anxious or feeling discomfort?
Sit with this question for a moment. What comes up? Were you afraid of disappointing someone? Were you afraid of pushing another away? Were you agreeing to please? Were you taking the easiest way out ? Were you avoiding conflict? Did you think you would enjoy, and later discovered not? Did you misjudge your own abilities?
Say YES to your whole experience. Allow whatever judgement or discomfort to be. Just simply say “yes”. And if a part of you screams “NO”, say yes to this part.
Now, listen to the voices and reasons that may come up. Bring a kind attention. Ask yourself, what is the most difficult or painful thing I am believing? If the most hurt and vulnerable part of you could speak, what would it express? BREATH into this. Contact your body, your sensual experience. Listen to what your vulnerable self really need.
Put your hand on your heart, and call on you most compassionate part of yourself. Offer it care. Listen to what it needs to feel safe, and loved.
Now, pull out your Journal or your phone, and write into it “It feels xxx in my body when I agree (do, accept, say yes, follow etc) to yyy”.
Now think of a rule that will help you stay true with you. Let this take time. In the space of awareness and being new thoughts may arise.
Sometimes this can be just speaking your truth. “I feel xxx when this happens. What do you think we should do?”
Sometimes this rule can be just to say NO. And this NO can be to just say it out loud, “NO, I dont want to do that or go there”.
Sometimes this rule means you literally walk away. Walk out of the room. Out of the house. Out of the relationship if its a hard deal.
And this is where it gets very scary. Because we always WANT things to work out. We want the love and relationship we deserve, so we do not stick to the rules we set up. Then we feel bad…
It is true, that rules have to be about us. However, if it didnt involve another person, we wouldnt need the boundaries at all.
And sometimes, when we set a boundary for ourselves, stick to it and take care of ourselves by saying NO to certain things…we will find that another need of a boundary pops up directly after.
So we begin the journey again…by tuning into us. Finding out what is our triggers, and what is our real, inside feelings and boundaries.
Do you want to talk more about boundaries?