The Two Single Most Important Factors To Stop Him From Withdrawing
Many of my clients come to coaching because their man is withdrawing.
It could be that he has stopped giving her affection, it could be that he is generally distant, or maybe he´s stopped planning dates.
It could also be that he is not moving the relationship forward to commitment or that he has just got “sort of lazy”…letting her pick up the slack, rather than doing it himself.
Some of the things a man does when a relationship is starting to get real - whether it be three months or three years down the line - is just plain old habit. In the beginning of a new relationship, we all want to show our best sides.
And so does he. That´s why he will go miles in the beginning to pursue you, and really show you that he is a good man.
However, when you both start to feel more comfortable, and perhaps that first chemistry is starting to fade off, then what is left is the real person. The YOU and the HIM with all your flaws, and triggers and habits.
And what I noticed is that a lot of men, who will come off as VERY masculine energy oriented in the beginning, actually harbors a small and needy little boy inside.
This boy actually feels quite comfortable with you acting just a little bit like his mama. He feels good when he can “stop by” in his feminine energy for a while, and sit down on the couch to drink a beer or watch a show.
This is often based on HABIT. He has a habit from his childhood, or from his previous relationships that it is ok to stay in his feminine energy. He actually feel quite comfortable there - at first. However, after a little while he will start to feel bad. He needs his masculine energy and he may not even be aware of it.
And this has absolutely NOTHING to do with YOU!
It´s so easy to start believing that you have done something wrong, or that he doesn´t care for you anymore, or that he doesn´t love you the same way, just because he is going back into his habit of being…lazy.
So I really, really want to stress this again: YOU have done NOTHING wrong, and this habit of his has nothing to do with his love for you.
HOWEVER - if we let it go on…and on…and start picking up the slack, start doing his share of the relationship just because he stopped. THEN it can become a problem.
Why? Simply because when you pick up the slack, you are in your masculine energy. It doesn´t matter if it is doing the dishes or asking him if he wants to play tennis. You´re the one doing. You´re the one planning, thinking and taking action.
And you being in your masculine energy for any extended period of time will make you feel not enough. It will start all kinds of thoughts. And then…you will find that he actually WILL resist you, because you start to create a needy vibe around yourself at the same time as he feels CONTROLLED!
I know this, because this happened to me SO many times.
The way out…is to just STOP.
When it happens, I go back and check in on myself. Often, I realize that I have been doing a lot of things for the relationship, but most of all I have been thinking. My masculine, analyzing thinking…
So now just stop all the doing. Stop all the planning.
And most of all (and this is the difficult part): STOP thinking about him!
If you are like me, your brain loves thinking. Especially it loves thinking about HIM. Because love is very important, maybe the most important thing to us women, we love to just think about our men.
So when we feel that our loving relationship is in danger, we automatically slip into masculine, thinking, problem solving mode.
We analyze and try to figure it out, try to figure him out, try to make things good again. We want to talk to him, we feel desperate. These things only make it worse. He withdraws even more, he almost deliberately go into his feminine energy just to demonstrate that you can´t control him (which you can´t, by the way, so he´s right in that).
So in order to STOP this cycle where he is in his feminine, you are in your masculine and your relationship feels disconnected, there are TWO very important things you can start doing right NOW.
Bring the Focus Back To YOU.
This means, that you stop thinking about him and the relationship. Every time you find yourself thinking about him or the relationship or the lack of love, or commitment etc, you bring your focus back to yourself. Ask yourself: What do I need right now that has nothing to do with him?
It may be you want to answer “I need his love and affection”. If so, I get it. You DO need his love and devotion and you will have it - but you cannot force it. So if what you need is most of all love and affection, I want you to look at ways in which you can give yourself this love and affection WITHOUT involving him. How does love feel to you? How can you show yourself love? (watch out for my Love Yourself Program - coming up soon!)
Keep A Smiling Heart When He Returns
When you start bringing the focus back onto yourself and all the things you love, and completely stop thinking about him and what he does or doesn´t do, you will see that pretty soon he will show up in some way. He will sooner or later return in his Masculine Energy. Maybe not the way that you wanted, or expected, but he will show up.
Perhaps he will just come into your room and look at you. Perhaps he will give you a kiss. Perhaps he will just stand up from the sofa and DO something. Perhaps he will call you or text you.
And here´s the thing: When he shows up, with just a hint of masculine energy - you will want to be totally in your Feminine Energy.
This means you go all soft, warm and open. You SMILE to him and tell him how awesome you feel because he did xxxxx.
I know this is the hardest bit, because it is sometimes difficult to let go of the resentment you feel for him not being in his masculine. BUT if you can find the good feelings, the love and warmth in your heart - this will be SO, so rewarding.
In a coming blogpost I will talk more about how to train yourself to keep a smiling heart, even in times of distress. And watch out for my Love Yourself Program which will give you many tips on how to be warm.
But until then. If you need help in the process of Bringing the Focus back on you, or finding the warmth to draw him in, just hit the button below and we will schedule your FREE coaching session with me!